Bye bye, 2018….

Dear lord….2018 has been both a tough and satisfying year for me.

JobLossIn January, a few days after ringing in the new year, I was let go from my job. On the one hand, I was relieved and on the other hand, I was pissed. My pissedom was mostly due me feeling like the reason I was given for being let go was bogus. It is my belief I was let go because they couldn’t afford me anymore. But instead of being honest, that is not what I was told by my boss.

I’ve treated the time as a sabbatical. Although, after I was let go, I was ready to jump into job-seeking and networking, I knew I did not want to get another desk job. No worries! Within days I got the flu and was miserable for a week or two.  I lost all motivation to network but I eventually attended a few times for the first half of the year.

We were strapped for money but we made it work. I’ve become an expert in belt-alditightening. Around May my husband sold some property he had inherited and we’ve been living partially off that. In many ways, I became lazy, allowing myself to escape real life by binge watching Netflix and YouTube. At least I didn’t start drinking again. A check mark in the benefits column from 2018.

smartI feel I’ve grown as far as my recovery is concerned. Even including my personal bombshell in June of deconverting from theism. Sitting through AA meetings, “god” & “higher power” talk became more difficult from which to suspend disbelief. I found SMART Recovery and started attending those meetings once a week (still do). As a result of my atheism, a lot of AA habits went away- praying in the morning, talking to my sponsor and “working the steps.” I learned a lot of good things from AA and I still intend to implement what I consider the good stuff in my sobriety.

serenityThings have mellowed in the last several months and I really feel positive for 2019. It feels like only a few years ago 9/11 happened. Time has flown in the TEN years since the great recession began (and only two or three years since the real estate market in my area started getting better). I can’t believe it’s been so long since we turned over the new millennium.

Life in extreme conditionsI’m very grateful to be where I am today and hope I continue to grow and mellow. If I can impart any words of wisdom it is to continue to work on your resilience- it’s one of the greatest tools you can develop as a human being. I also look forward to loving myself more. There are many people in my life I don’t think have my best interests in mind and I need to grow the huevos to let them go.

Life is short, sculpt it any way you like and try not to hurt others while you’re doing so.

regrets-of-the-dying

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Why Bother?

It occurred to me that some people might think “Why should I care if someone thinks I’m beyourselfan asshole?” I think that is valid- to a certain extent, you shouldn’t!

 

One of the things I’ve been striving for is being myself and not caring so much what others think of me. You can’t please everyone so one action I take can be perceived as good & positive by one person and annoying & intrusive by another.

The same can be said of my ideas. Carlin once said in one of his sets he felt self-help stuff was garbage- that life is not that difficult and really doesn’t require the help of gurus.

I disagree.

confused

For myself, I have been puzzled by many things in life, wondering what to do in certain circumstances. Part of that has been due to a lack of confidence- perhaps I really do know what to do but doubt my instincts. Sometimes asking the advice of others (friends, family, counselor, self-help book etc….). At other times, I’ve been confused because I don’t know how to stand up for myself, which is related to lacking confidence. I could go on and on.

If seeking advice from someone other than yourself is beneficial, go for it!

For those of us who have empathy and care about others, we don’t want our style of living to be a burden to people. If we’re not married to certain habits and willing to change those so as to make others comfortable, let’s do so.

puppetI will take myself for example. I once wanted to control as much as possible, particularly what others thought of me. If I felt someone had a misunderstanding of me or an action I took, I might try to control the situation by explaining myself and why I did what I did and so on. Once I understood the concept of focusing only on myself and my actions, I let go of others’ opinions of me and attempting to explain myself.

This ties in to “being myself.” I continue to struggle with my natural, introverted desires to have “me” time and when I have go out in public,  I prefer to be left alone. I don’t want to talk to sales people, I don’t (usually) want to chat with people I know I’ve bumped into unexpectedly, and I don’t want to flirt with strangers. This can be perceived as being rude, aloof and asshole-ish.

But mostly, being an asshole has more to do with intent. Being selfish, lacking empathy, and purposely making others uncomfortable when it benefits you is different than my introversion. At one point, I went so far as to experiment with being more friendly and warm and I found it actually stressed me out because what came along with that action is that I was caring too much how people perceived me and when they didn’t respond in kind, it pissed me off. It was creating expectations in me that made me feel worse than before.

careIn my opinion, we should care about ourselves first- be as healthy and content as possible. Once that part is reasonably maintained, then we can move on to worrying about others because if we aren’t fit, there is no point in making sure others are. If we haven’t been maintaining our well-being, we can become resentful, run down, and hypocritical.

Again, I’ll use the airplane analogy- flight attendants tell you during the safety demo that if you are sitting next to someone who might need help in an emergency, place your mask on first before helping them. You can follow that to the logical conclusion that if you are too busy helping the person next to you and run out of oxygen before you have successfully put their mask on, now there are masktwo people in jeopardy. If you help yourself first and successfully get your mask on, you can easily help the person next to you.

So we should care about the suggestions I’m making insofar as 1) It will help with our own health and 2) it contributes to the well-being of others. Ultimately the well-being of others creates a net gain of well-being for us. So perhaps it’s selfish but the seeds we sow today may not see benefits until further down the road.

Think about it.

Being Right vs Being Happy

16684044_1224431351006520_3279550506046207803_nOne of the small ways in which we can make changes in our lives (and live more contentedly rather than emotionally) is by noticing when you seem intent on being right. I myself have been in this situation many times.

To give you some background regarding my mental state, I remember going through a phase in college where I didn’t feel like I knew much about anything. I was taking classes and now I feel like I got a well-rounded education but back then, I was really intimidated by my peers who seemed to know so much more about the world than I.

I started to associate “knowing a lot of stuff” with being argumentative. I also recalled my dad’s way about himself and remembered thinking that I might set myself apart (especially with men) by acting at bit like him. I tried to learn more about politics and topics in the news.

Fast forward to today and I admit I am a lazy thinker. I might delve into a certain topic FB_IMG_1430019977926and learn as much as I can in a short amount of time but, let’s face it, we don’t have a lot of time on our hands to delve into much. Plus there is so much from which to choose! We might be able to pick a topic and scratch the surface in a short amount of time but if we want to learn about several topics with a reasonable amount of confidence, I think we are kidding ourselves.

When I try to talk about politics, I probably fail miserably. As a woman, for example, I know quite a few things related to politics that have to do with women like body autonomy and abortion issues. But other than that, I likely fall short of fully understanding other topics.

Digitally generated My brain has too many tabs openAs a result, I get frustrated when someone brings up a subject and I think I know what I’m talking about. I very well may have a good point to bring up but I’m winging it. Because I lack epistemology skills and certain rational skills (at this newly atheist point in my life) I feel I fall short of supporting a point properly. I definitely lack confidence.

If I don’t know enough about a topic, perhaps I shouldn’t pursue a conversation about it at all. I certainly shouldn’t bring it up, especially if it means not getting into an argument about it. But even asserting any kind of position if someone else brings it up- that way my partner (usually my husband) won’t feel gaslighted.

Other people may be able to afford to do this but I can’t. I’m too much of an asshole to togethernesssuccessfully drive down that road and land in a healthy place. If I was a good debater and didn’t take things so personally, maybe things would be different. But hard feelings are often had and I would rather just keep the peace than act like a know-it-all. Maybe you should try this too.

The 12-Steps of Alcoholics (and Narcotics) Anonymous

If people start to watch my YouTube channel more or read my blog, they may have cropped-header2.jpgquestions about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although it is not the main point of my channel/blog, it is one of the main sources.

It’s important for me to emphasize why I think it’s possible to not have a belief in a god and still get something positive and productive out of AA, recovery from substance abuse and emotional health overall

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

unmanagingThere is no question that, when we (addicts) have delved into the depths of addiction, our lives become unmanageable. We begin to disrupt a quality of life we may have once had. If we are young, our grades drop, we piss off our friends, we trouble our parents and siblings. When we are older, we might lose a job, lose our driver’s license, lose our spouse or significant other. Once we lose a spouse due to substance abuse via separation or divorce, we are likely to lose full custody of our children and, ultimately, our freedom.

However, the biggest problem most people have with this step is the admission one is powerless. I am torn about that phrasing. On the one hand, I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting defeat about addiction and our inability to use substances in a healthy way. On the other hand, the desire to empower one’s self to get sober is strong and if we’re told we can’t (due to needing a god) it can crush our motivation.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

From a secular standpoint, this step is entirely unnecessary. There are no substitutions, either. As difficult as it is to gain the motivation to change and create new, healthy habits, it is possible and the only way, from my atheist standpoint, to do it. If you go to jail and  stay dry for a while as a result, you still haven’t addressed the real problem. If you go to rehab and stay dry for a while, most will fill you with the 12-step method. But you are still going of your own free will.

A freethinker who is a freethinker for the right reasons knows there is no magic or supernatural power at play in our lives. Therefore, all the work done in sobriety is done by the individual, even if he/she thinks a god helped. You may get help from others and you can take or leave that help but ultimately, you’ve made the choice that you are worth recovery. You must make the choice you are worth it.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.hero

Again, this is a step I believe is unnecessary. YOU are the one who must take the strides to seek help. Not only does an addict need to seek help getting clean, but also getting emotionally healthy. You can’t give up your determination. If you do, you not only risk getting and staying clean/sober but you also abdicate your self-advocacy.

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I like this step. Although the word “moral” is loaded for skeptics and atheists, many thinking atheists agree with tenants of Humanism. Once we, as addicts, have searched our backgrounds, we notice two main things- One: ways in which we think people have hurt us and Two: ways in which we know we have hurt others, especially during the depths of our addiction. Once we take this inventory and see patterns, our lives become more clear.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This step is an extension of Step 4. Once we have made a list of all the shitty things we’ve done (and the things we perceive have been shitty things done to us) then we talk about it to someone else who understands, usually our sponsor. I am in a unique situation where I’ve been in AA for over 2 years and recently became atheist so I already have a sponsor with whom I still communicate. It’s nice to have one dedicated person who understands me and talk these things out. Inventory

Even when I was a theist, I didn’t know how to “admit” this to my god except to speak it or pray it into the ether. Either way, the integral part is admitting wrong-doing to one’s self and talking it out with a human partner.

 

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Some steps can be modified and some can’t, from my perspective. Keep in mind how Flawsspecific the language is. This step is merely being ready. Some people like some of their character defects and aren’t ready to let go of them. When they/we are ready, “we pump ourselves up” to let them go.

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Again, the language here is so subtle. Since I don’t believe in a god, that part is out and since I already feel like I’ve “pumped myself up” to work on getting rid of my character defects, this step is redundant and/or superfluous to me.

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

So this step…. We’ve already made an inventory. In the inventory, we tend to see patterns. In my case, for example, I tend to have high expectations of others that are dashed time and time again. I need to work on that and not have such high expectations of others. When I see that pattern played out, I see I’ve hurt others along the way.

xo8f0301So when I blatantly hurt others by cheating on my husband, for example, I also notice situations where I thought I was the victim but in reality, I was the perpetrator of the pain. Sometimes my victims felt the pain and knew I was an asshole and sometimes, the crime lived only in my mind. Either way, it’s time to exorcise that shit and make a list.

In some cases, my sponsor didn’t think I owed an amends to certain individuals. So the list may or may not stay the same once it’s made. But again, the operative word here is being willing.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So now the list is made and it’s time to go down the list and get together with these people. In some cases, it’s not appropriate to make direct amends. Theist or not, addict or not, it’s a good way to apologize for the wreckage of the past and move forward with a clean slate.

In some cases, a recipient may not accept an amends. That’s OK. As long as your amends was sincere, you move on. They can wallow in their self pity and they will. You are not the only imperfect one. Don’t let others get in your head once you’ve relieved yourself of the guilt. If they want to remain in the pain, that’s on them. They have their own baggage to deal with. Once you’ve let go of your baggage, it’s time to focus on healthier things and if that doesn’t include your amendee, so be it. amends

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Once we’ve made the master list of the people we’ve hurt, we’re not done. Sometimes, old memories come up we hadn’t considered at first (especially those of us who were in a drug or alcohol fog) OR we continue to have our old character defects pop up so we need to hold them at bay/get rid of them/replace them. We change our behavior and in doing so, prove to people we are sorry for the shitty things we’ve done OR continue to apologize for shitty things we do when we realize we do them.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of (???) His will for us and the power to carry that out.

maturityLots of baggage on this one. So, I don’t want to throw this step out completely as I think it is valuable to keep ourselves motivated, but what exactly can we say here on a secular level? Seeking meditation is great- it teaches us how to mellow and stay in the “adult” instead of parent or child (see Transactional Analysis via anyone but particularly TheraminTrees). There is also value in not thinking. Sometimes we over-think things and letting ourselves relax can help. I don’t know the science behind it but I am convinced that is why some people get ideas in the shower or car. We are possibly using a different side of our brains and it helps with the flow. Just guessing.

There is no destiny. There are no things that are “meant to be.” There is no such thing as fate or karma. Many AAs and other theists will say we each have a purpose. Maybe. It depends. Are we each cogs in a wheel? Perhaps that suits. Does it take time to figure out how we can fit in? Yes. Some of us, myself included, are late bloomers.

We can hype ourselves up, try to stay sober, try to not be an asshole and try to do some good.

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Sharing what we know about recovery can be a kind thing. Getting out of our head, sharinggetting out of selfishness and giving to others who need help is a good thing. Sharing what we know of recovery, being as kind as we can too all people, being grateful for what we have, treating our loved-ones with respect- these are things we can do from a secular perspective. No god required.

No addiction required either. We can all use help in this area.

On the other hand….

THIS I am more than happy to put out there for posterity…..

swingToday, I have been a little ramped up. It kind of started when I woke up, I think. Perhaps I am PMSing, not sure. With my 11-year-old, it can be hard to motivate him in the mornings- sometimes he cooperates, sometimes he doesn’t. This morning was a less-than-cooperative day. Not the worst but not the best.

I have been thinking about cutting myself off of Twitter and the news for a while. Definitely the latter. But in order to do so, I want my husband to also do so (we are on different sides of the political spectrum). I changed the channel on the TV this morning but not without hearing something dumb our “president” said.

Things were a little tense in the car on the way to school as a result but we eventually relaxed. Less than and hour after dropping him off, I got a call from his teacher that he had, for the second time in a week, poked a peer with a pencil hard enough that it left a mark. I talked to him over the phone as well as his teacher. I’m not happy. LL

I piddled around on the internet a bit and probably went down the rabbit hole further than I should have. Sometimes I go on Twitter to look someone up and then I see something shiny and all hell breaks loose. I found this woman on Twitter.

Then, I did some volunteer work at my son’s school I had been scheduled to do. When I left around noon, I stopped by a local restaurant to pick up some lunch. When I arrived, there was a line waiting at the cashier stand. Some folks looked like they were picking up to-go orders like me and others were paying the bill from having been dining in the restaurant. I was about 3rd or 4th in line when I arrived.

At some point, more patrons from the dining room got in line behind me and I heard a man behind me say “how are you doing?” He wasn’t in my peripheral vision and given the morning I had, I wasn’t feeling any special motivation to find out what was going on.

joeyHe said it again “how are you doing?” At this point I was pretty sure he was talking to me and I wasn’t interested in engaging in conversation so I ignored him. Finally, he whipped around a bit and got in my periphery “how are you doing?” he asked.  I turned my head, looked him up and down and said “fine,” making it clear to him that I wasn’t impressed with his come-on nor was I in the mood.

“Humph,” he pouted, mumbling behind me, loudly enough that I could hear (it was quite loud in the restaurant) “She must be in a bad mood. She must be grumpy.” Talking about me as if I wasn’t right there. I don’t know if he was with someone (since no one responded) but it occurs to me now that he was embarrassed. Usually his come-on works with women. Usually.

Without turning around to face him, I audibly said, “You don’t have to talk about me like I’m not here. Sometimes people are in bad moods and don’t want to talk to strangers.” The woman in front of me turned around, wondering what was going on. But when she saw me facing forward, watching the TV (instead of addressing someone directly) she turned forward again. He then began to grumble “Un-huh….Un-huh” and then I mimicked him “Un-huh… Un-huh…” The woman in front of me turned around again, wondering what was going on. Again, she did not seem to get the satisfaction she was looking for.

The cashier unaware (as far as I could tell) of the goings on, called me to the register. She smiled and I tried to exchange pleasantries. I paid for my order and walked out, grumbling to myself.

I am not happy with the way I handled that and wish, in hindsight of course, that I had TA_ego_states_diagramdone a better job, remained calm. However, the 60+ year-old man was used to getting his way. I had not responded in a way he was accustomed and to cover his “lack of prowess” in front of what I assume was his friend(s), he began to mock and blame me.

Women are not on this earth to entertain you, amuse you, be “pretty little things” to adorn your field of vision and then throw away like a piece of toilet paper. We are human. You wouldn’t dare say the same thing to man, would you? As a man, if you saw a man with a scowl on his face, would you walk up to him and ask him multiple times, “how you doin?” No, you wouldn’t. You’d leave him the fuck alone.

introvertsSo leave me the fuck alone if I just want some peace from the morning that was less than stellar. I am allowed to have emotions and I am allowed to NOT have a smile on my face 24/7. Oh, and by the way, it’s not about you. It’s not ALWAYS about you. I was primarily upset that my son was admonished at school as I expect more from him. My feelings were a little raw.

Turd….

Storytelling

I struggled to write this post because in one respect, posting this will make it indelible in some regards and in another respect, I thought it was a really good example of what not to do.

I went to the Jonesborough, TN Storytelling Festival this weekend. A few things happened that were rather annoying but overall, I had a good time. It is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now and couldn’t afford it. It’s not just $20 a day– they get nationally and internationally known storytellers and this year they had 5 tents of storytellers at the same time with various rotations throughout the day. The events started Thursday night (I think) and finished up yesterday. For the full weekend, it cost me $165 just to get in.

bnb1.jpgI decided to use Air BNB for the first time ever and did not have a good introductory experience. The host was cordial and communicative but the accommodations were crap. I took this picture from across the street. That is not a car that travels, I’m afraid. It has been sitting under that tree for so long, it has gunk all over the top as though moss is growing. Those of you who have had or seen something similar know what I mean. You can also see in this picture various items of debris in the drive that does not look like he’s planning on moving anytime soon. In my book, either hide it somewhere like your garage or a shed or get rid of it if you’re going to be the host of an Air BNB.

Curb
Merely an example….

If you’re going to go that route, get your house in tip-top shape. Make it presentable as though it’s a model home. Blow the leaves off the driveway and, IMO, pressure wash it. Get all the debris off the driveway including the junker car you obviously don’t drive. What you can’t see in the picture is that the front, passenger-side panel is bashed in.

I should have taken pictures of the inside but a couple things stood out to me. Someone had painted the “master suite” and didn’t finish. So there was a two-inch-or-so gap at the top of the wall butting up to the ceiling. To me, that is a sign of laziness and a sign that someone just doesn’t care. The bathroom seemed clean but worn and tired. The bed was made and I chose not to pull the covers down. I used the bathroom and left for the festival.

forkOn my way back, I had gotten a fast-food salad. I arrived, went to my room and realized the fast food place didn’t give me plastic ware to eat it with. So I went to the kitchen thinking it was at my disposal.  When I entered, the counters were not dirty per se but also old and worn, like the bathroom. The drawers and cabinets, however, were gross and none of the drawers appeared to have silverware in them. I looked over to a darkened, adjacent room (I’m assuming it was a formal dining room) and there was debris stacked up on what I assumed was the table.

The host came out of his room (assuming because he heard me) as I was looking for a fork. He managed to dig one up from what appeared to be a junk drawer and seemed to become worried I would need use of the kitchen. I said no, I didn’t need to use it.

I went back to my room, disgusted. I didn’t want to turn the bed down. I started to think about getting into a potentially gross shower (no, I didn’t look inside) and I just freaked out. I called up the local hotel and they had a vacancy. I gathered my things and booked it out of there. I was a coward because what I should have done is confront him directly (not hostile) but I didn’t. I chickened out.

The only thing that saves my ego is that, as I moved down the hall, I heard him in his room, talking loudly. I assume he was on the phone. I booked it out of his front door and heard him still, loudly talking to someone, through his open window, presumably about a reservation. I got into my car and drove away. I have no intention of ever using AirBNB again.

Fast forward to Saturday- I slept OK and got ready for the festival. I arrived on the early side and was lucky enough to not have to park in the grass. I made my way around to the tents, enjoying the storytellers, except when they would invoke higher powers and such. In a couple situations, it kind of pissed on the story, but I digress…

20181006_114530.jpgI went to a tent called “Creekside” at one point, which was adjacent to what appeared to be an old house. I sat at the far right side of the tent, as you can see in this picture (that’s not me with the long hair). As the sun began to move, it came farther and farther into that side of the tent. I was armed with an umbrella so instead of moving, I just popped it open to protect myself. Seeing as we were adjacent to that property, I didn’t see I was doing anyone harm. At least one person couldn’t possibly sit anywhere else in that tent (there were plenty of available chairs at the time) and HAD to ask me to move so she could climb over me to a seat in my row. Other than that, it worked out well.

However, here’s the main part I was not confident about burning into my memory…. After the Creekside performance was over, instead of staying for the next performance at Creekside, I decided to move to one of the other tents, the “Library” tent.

The Library tent was on the other side of the event but the tent was essentially facing in the same direction. However, whereas the first people to enter the Creekside tent would enter from the east, most of the people to enter the Library tent would enter from the west.

The storyteller I wanted to hear was not on for at least another 40 minutes. I waited outside the Library tent until the current storyteller was finished and people filtered out. I chose to sit on the side of the Library tent nearest the library, where the sun shone, like the Creekside tent.

I don’t have a real-time picture of it but the tent was set up in the parking lot in such a tent copyway that the main thoroughfares went around the bush-bed, shown. Don’t get me wrong, rows and rows of chairs were lined all throughout including butting right up against the bush-bed, where the chairs were facing the right side of the picture. During the interim, I opened my umbrella while I waited. I didn’t think a lot of traffic would be coming through that area because in order to do so, one would have to walk through the bush-bed. Given that I was one of the youngest people at the festival (age 46) I didn’t think most people would risk the fall by doing so. Haha….

One woman in particular was not happy with me. But instead of talking to me directly about my decision, she chose a series of passive aggressive comments. First, she and her beau exited the tent but instead of asking to get past me, she walked down the row, scoffed while looking in my direction, and moved chairs in the row in front in order to get around me.

Rule #1 Ask for what you want. As a person who has spent almost her whole life being passive aggressive and STILL miserable, I urge you to ask for what you want. You’ll likely be pleasantly surprised by the response you get.

Before princess returned, I overheard a man talking to a group near me that it’s nice to do kind things for strangers. I don’t know if he was directing that towards me but, again, I didn’t think that what I had done was the worst thing in the world AND no one had yet told me I was breaking a horrid social rule (or festival rule or town law or sin against god or anything like that). Furthermore, alcoholics joke we are egoists with inferiority complexes so we often think others are talking about us but in a negative way. So I could have been overthinking. 😉

bitchWhen Dame Shitdontstink returned, she had food or something in her hand and dramatically tried to move the chair in the row in front of me again (except this time, no one was with her). Exasperated, she let out a huff and said to me “Excuuuuse me, if you’re not going to move, can you at least move this chair so I can get by?!”

No one had asked me to move. No one had told me I should move. No one explained to me that I was not allowed to be there, shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t have my umbrella opened, should never have been born… nothing. I said nothing and moved the chair for her. She thanked me and I remained silent.

Part of me is proud for not making a scene since, what I really wanted to do is tear her a new asshole.  Another part of me wishes I tore her a new asshole. After all, Helen Mirren said “If there were advice for her younger self, it’d be to say ‘Fuck off’ more and stop being so ‘bloody polite.'” Yet another part of me wishes I had calmly asked her why she didn’t just, politely, asked for what she wanted instead of being passive aggressive.

Rule #2 Don’t be passive aggressive. It makes you look like an asshole and no one wins. You don’t get your point across like you think you do, you make people actually want to NOT help you and you come off as a drama queen and a liar.

P.S. Thank you to the nice lady in the College Street tent for complementing me on my hair. Yer a peach!

Resilience

resilience (1).jpgI am so excited about this blog and YT channel that every topic seems to be of utmost importance. But this one….. if you ignore everything else I am suggesting, do not ignore this one.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was heavy into pregnancy and parenting books. One of the pediatricians (I believe T. Berry Brazelton) mentioned how important he felt resilience is to and I’ve tried to take it to heart for both my son and myself.

Bouncing back from adversity is what truly separates the mature from the immature, the 81855strong and the weak, the neurotic and the balanced. We can act like grown-ups and break free from obsessive thinking that gets us stuck.

I used to have a really hard time with this. There is a series of books called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. I never understood that concept and how to employ it until I got into recovery from alcoholism. I guess when you’re life is on the line, it’s different (at least for me, that’s what it took). I was given permission to let go. I think I held on to drama and stayed stuck in immaturity (which alcohol and drug abuse will halt your maturity process) until I let go of obsessing over things I didn’t have to.

life-is-not-about-waiting-for-storm-to-passI want to reiterate that emotions are OK to have. Just don’t dwell on the negative ones, especially fear. When I realized I was trying to control everything, thinking that I was supposed to do so as an adult, and then coming to the understanding that I controlled NOTHING except my actions and reactions, it was liberating. I guess in the past when I had been told not to worry about this, that or the other, I didn’t trust the messenger. I wasn’t making the connection that by letting go of my desire to control things, I’d be letting go wasted time and energy.

By letting go, I created a more hospitable environment in which to bounce back and I hope you can too. If you’d like more details, this is the website I got the specifics from in my video.